I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I party with great urgency now.
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