her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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