my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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