8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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