I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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