Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
