Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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