this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
