Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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