the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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