The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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