Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
