I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
