I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
