Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize