he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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