I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
