i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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