The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
