Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
