I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
