sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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