fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
