Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
