So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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