Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
