plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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