ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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