I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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