Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
