dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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