They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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