so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
