last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
