The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
