I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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