my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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