we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
