Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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