Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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