one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
