You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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