I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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