i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
