how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
how drunk are you?
Several
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
