Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
