I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
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I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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