please come you make the beer taste better
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
