Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
