pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
