The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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