Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
