How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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