So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
