Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
