New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
