Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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