8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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