I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
